Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Notre Dame and the Rover of Doom

How's this for an "embittered and nonsensical diatribe?"

After having his section of the Observer jeered in The Rover for publishing three pages of Harry Potter filler last week, Scene editor Tae Andrews proceeded to work himself into a tizzy over our 80-word brief, reproduced below:

One Dining Hall Does Not A Hogwarts Make

[Jeers] To the Observer, for printing three whole pages of Harry Potter filler. This isn’t 7th grade and even if it were, anyone who cares about Harry Potter has already read the books and watched the movies twice. We don’t need the Observer’s summaries and comparisons between Hogwarts and Notre Dame—anyone who thinks Notre Dame resembles an antiquated, upper class English boarding school for magic only has to attend an SYR or football tailgate to be disabused of that notion.

In his page 2 retort, Andrews hit back tenfold with a Potter-themed rant that seems to have exhausted his supply of anti-Rover prose. Here are the highlights:
The first thought to enter my mind was which of the three Unforgivable Curses I would use in retaliation. . .
I should note here that most of his Potter references were lost on me, since I have never really bought into the franchise (beyond being disappointed by the first of the films).
. . . Regardless of how confused or confounded you may have been at press time, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is not, as you claim, "an antiquated, upper class English boarding school for magic." Hogwarts enjoys continued relevancy in the hearts and minds of its readers, and as far as being upper class, any Harry Potter fan would know Ron Weasley comes from a working-class family. (His father works for the Ministry of Magic, and we all know how government jobs pay.)
Point taken there, I suppose.
. . . it is clear that if Notre Dame were Hogwarts, you and your ilk at The Irish Rover would undoubtedly be Dementors - a bunch of marauding, hateful creatures who, cloaked in darkness, are determined to suck all the fun out of this place.
Clearly, Mr. Andrews has never hung out with us at Fiddler's, nor participated in our production-night antics. The best is yet to come.
. . . Perhaps you never had a childhood. Perhaps you are the sort of people who believe Harry Potter advocates witchcraft. Perhaps you spend your free time trying to have copies of "The Da Vinci Code" banned from libraries and go around smudging lightning-bolt shaped scars drawn in face paint on the foreheads of children. Perhaps you crashed the midnight release Harry Potter parties at Borders, flipped to the back pages and screamed out the ending, just to spoil things. Perhaps you spend your free time kicking puppies.
Oh, please. Everyone knows that puppies are for eating. And, for the record, I (the editor) have read all of Dan Brown's novels. I would hardly work to have them banned (they make for passable, disposable plane reading), however I would be apt to recommend against them as poor literature.
. . . Whatever it is that you do, please leave my section out of your inane and awkward rants.

Anyway, you get the idea. The most notable line of the remaining paragraphs was Andrews' parting shot, a supposedly disparaging comparison between The Rover and Vin Diesel DVD's. The insult here was not apparent to me at first, however, given that Vin Diesel's Chronicles of Riddick Trilogy (pictured above) ranks among my favorite DVD's of all time. I was watching it, in fact, the night before Andrews' tirade was published.

I'll end with a quick thanks to the Observer, which, the hostility of their Scene editor aside, was quite pleasant to stand side-by-side with at the Fall Activities Night on Tuesday, where we were somewhat ironically allotted a table adjacent to theirs.


Anonymous said...

I think that the observer should only allow Harry Potter themed articles from now on. Makes for a much easier read.

Anonymous said...

I <3 the Chronicles of Riddick trilogy.