Tuesday, December 11, 2007

The Maddening Effects of Finals

They come every semester without fail, just as the sun rises every day. Finals. Nasty things.

The end of the semester comes and the computer clusters are suddenly full of bleary-eyed students slowly typing out term papers and study guides. Or worse. Then there are the group projects. Loud, obnoxious groups, clearly ignorant of the social norms of the clusters, invade like Viking hoards and disrupt the intense, studious quiet that should only be punctuated by the click-clacking of the keyboards.

Oh the crimes of the cluster!

Take for example the Quarter Dog heaping with onions that soon fills the already rancid LaFortune Hole (I mean Cluster) with an even more nauseating stench. To add insult in injury, the offending sausage is not consumed immediately, but set aside to continue polluting the already-foul air.

And you, Mr. Yankees-Pajama-Pants sitting next to me typing a paper with books on Darwin and one entitled "Abortion Rights as Religious Freedom" (You know, the existence of Yankee PJs are crime enough, let alone being worn by you in a public space. And Darwin and abortion?): Why for the love of the gold on the Dome are you typing on your laptop and not the cluster computer in front of you!? Did you not just see that poor girl come in desperately searching for a free computer?

While the madness rages the usual denizens of these technological dens are displaced...here I sit at a Mac and not my usual PC, not too far away from the great blog Queen Darragh - typing not my overdue paper but my inaugural post on the fine web-log.

"Why? Why?" The sane and rational person asks. "Why are you doing this to yourself? It is nearly 1 AM and you should be sleeping! Not sitting in a pit of filth writing some incoherent babble on a blog!"

Good points.

But ignoring them and returning to the crimes of the cluster...

Can't we behave ourselves and use a little common courtesy?

Apparently not. But I'll allow my fellow students to plead insanity in their defense. After all, returning to the sane and rational person's question, I myself have no answer but to shamefully admit that my only defense for my self-torture is to plead the same: insanity.

"The finals, the finals! It's all because of them!"

But you know what happens when one person starts pleading insanity?

Yeah, Twinkies.

LaFortune Cluster, meet "Real-World" Insanity.
"Real-World" Insanity, welcome to the LaFortune Cluster. I hope you enjoy your havoc-wreaking visit. But don't stay too long. We can only consume so much caffeine , sugar and onion-covered quarter dogs before we go out and start shooting people...all for the sake of learning.

Hmmm go think about all of those implications over a latte - or fair trade hot chocolate, if that's what you prefer - I'm going back to my 'studies.'


Darragh said...

Actually, I'm WEBMASTER, not queen. You should get it right or else your status is demoted back to WEBSLAVE from WEB-CITIZEN

Anonymous said...

Fair trade hot cocoa? Dear God what's next?!

Mary Liz said...

Oh yes! Fair trade hot cocoa! Human Rights ND was distributing it last night. I didn't just make it up.

Rachel said...

Don't forget--they were distributing it in recyclable cups! Styrofoam is just plain offensive!

Greer Hannan said...

Right now I would do a lot for a quarter dog over here in Dublin. Or really, just for any snack/coffee shop that stays open after 9 p.m. All-nighters are a lot more difficult without coffee, qd's, or even a library that stays open after 10 p.m. LaFortune is heaven.

matt said...

Aww... poor Greer. How about I send you a finals care package of oreos and starbucks coffee, and you can send me a care package of Jameson and those little Cadbury "Flake" candies that I love so much?

Greer Hannan said...

we actually do have starbucks in dublin, it just closes at 7 pm